I know I am meant to write. The problem is, I don’t know what. My thoughts are all over the place. Life has been so crazy I have story after story after story and I don’t know where to start. I have also just had two Turkish coffees so I guess that doesn’t help, but it has given me the momentum to actually begin this thing. Whatever it is.
A friend told me the other day over both cold brew and hot brewed coffee at the same time - perhaps not relevant but coffee seems to be a theme here, let’s just go with it - that Egypt is the throat chakra of the Earth. The brew we were sipping was from Brazil I think he said. It’s hard to get certain luxuries here in Egypt, so I was spoiled to be double fisting these delicacies. I just made Turkish coffee at home in a metal cup over my gas stove. The searing hot handle of the cup melted the cuff of my poly-cotton blend hoodie which I recklessly used as an oven mitt while still wearing it. We make due with what we have.
I told my friend he would die of happiness on the West coast [of North America] with the coffee culture of Vancouver, Portland and Seattle. I mentioned caramel, floral, dark chocolate and cherry flavour notes. Just like wine, although we are in a predominantly muslim country so the world of wine is also quite limited here. I stopped drinking within the past year, so that is very helpful for me. I think maybe I’m beginning to make up for it with coffee. Perhaps that’s the take away from all this, but let’s talk about that another time.
Anyways, Egypt is the throat chakra of the Earth, apparently. And Dahab (the small town of about 8,000 people where we live) is a world class destination for scuba diving, freediving, and kite surfing as well as a deeply spiritual place that is a playground for desert trekking, rock climbing, meditation, yoga, energy healing, and various other recreational and holistic wellness practices. Dahab is a community of Bedouins - native to the land, Egyptians - their close neighbours, expats - from all over the place, and tourists - constantly ebbing and flowing in and out of town. Most of the expats are hippies or on some range of that spectrum; people who ended up in South Sinai as travellers and never left or returned shortly after. That includes me, which is a whole other story in and of itself.
I don’t even know what story I’m telling, actually. I just know that the caffeine is fueling me to write. Write out my insecurities. Because I have so much to share but have been afraid of having a voice. Or maybe not afraid, but lazy? Likely both if I’m being honest with myself. I can write on and on and on but am allergic to the work of research and editing. I feel semi responsible for looking up the meaning of chakra and including it here for those of you (assuming anyone will ever read this) who don’t land anywhere on the hippie spectrum and are like wtf is she talking about? But who am I kidding, I don’t even know wtf I’m talking about yet either. Aaaand I just realized if I put this out into the world it will be online and I can link to the definition. Yay laziness! Let’s reframe that as resourcefulness? Ok, great. Thanks.
In writing this, I’ve activated my throat chakra (go on, click that link) and have been called to share it in spite of all of my excuses. I am a huge lover of inspirational quotes and one that keeps popping up in my social media feed is something along the lines of “Just start. you don’t have to be ready, just do the damned thing you lazy bitch.” Ok that isn’t the real quote but I’m not doing the research to look it up right now. Maybe I will resourcefully link to the Instagram post if it comes up again. I’m sure it will because the law of attraction is amazing. Seriously, check it out!
As this is a whole bunch of rambling nonsense I think I am writing to clear out the traffic in my head? But I also think I want to commit to attempting to write something of substance on a daily basis. Writing this right now knowing people might read it feels so uncomfortable I actually want to cry. I think because I know I need to do it and the things we need most are often the things we avoid most. Yep, here come the tears.
With writing, you are admitting the truth. It just sort of flows out of you. And if you admit it, you can’t avoid it anymore. You feel the thing you were avoiding. In my case, my low self worth. My fear of putting myself out there. I write stream of consciousness style every day in a journal, but this is different. I’m writing something with the intent of posting it for others to read. I’m putting my thoughts and feelings on display. And I know maybe 20 or 30 people max will read this and I likely won’t receive any real rejection or feedback at all, but something about it scares me regardless.
I think I know that once I start doing this regularly, then the real stuff will start flowing out. The deep dark embarrassing shameful stuff. The shadows I need to forgive and the wounds I long to heal. Because in order to heal the wounds you must first acknowledge that they’re there. And that means feeling them. Fuck, more tears now. I’ll spare you the photos.
I guess I’m writing this to try to be accountable to myself. I need to write in order to continue along my path of evolution on this healing journey. I don’t think there is anyone more inspiring in this realm of expertise than Yrsa Daley-Ward, so if you have actually read my blabber this far and want to read something incredible for contrast READ HER BOOK, The Terrible. This book cracked me open and is largely a reason why I’m writing this right now. Because I owe it to myself and know that in facing my fears and sharing my vulnerability I may possibly inspire others to do the same. To open up. To stop hiding. And then it will be worth it.
So I suppose this is the preliminary in what I intend to be a series of regular posts??? Just for the sake of writing and sharing openly and honestly. I started this blog randomly a while back not knowing the reason why but I guess I just figured it out. I need to write. I need to process. I need to heal. I need to share. Thank you so much for accompanying me on this journey. Stay tuned for more caffeine induced ramblings, crazy stories (once I build up the courage), very vulnerable poems and maybe some random videos. Hopefully I’ll learn how to format things a bit better as well. We’ll see what happens, maybe I won’t even post this.
Wishing you much love and many blessings,