Last night some crazy stuff went down. I made a quick video while it was happening but it was too long for Instagram so I decided to just take screen shots and write a corresponding Instagram post. It kept getting longer & longer and I continued writing until I thought, well now what do I do with this? So I stayed up all night adding this blog section to my website. It’s super basic for now until I get the hang of things. I’m not sure what it’s going to become but I can promise this: it will be candid and honest and vulnerable and probably a bit crazy. This post is on fear and if you check back later you can watch my silly video below somewhere (once I figure out how to work a YouTube channel ...baby steps).
I’m staying with family right now and last night I happened to be the only person home in what is usually a very full house. When my parents bought this place they had to wait to do renovations, so I had the privilege of using it as my art studio. I set up shop in the rec room and was free to make a giant creative mess knowing it was going to be reno’d over eventually. I would come here at night after my serving job to work on paintings, prepping for my first gallery show. Usually I’d be totally spooked; apparently the previous owner passed away here. I got so creeped out I started to ask my then boyfriend to come with me. He would sleep in a chair while I worked deep into the night.
Last night I was all alone in the house in the same room, now redone, doing prep work for a painting when the security alarm went off. I didn’t know what it was at first and it scared the hell out of me. I had to call my mom to get the code to make it stop and she told me the alarm company would likely call to check in, standard protocol. They never did and I still don’t know why or how the alarm went off in the first place. Eight people and two dogs live here (I know, its mental) and there’s almost always someone home so the alarm is never set. I locked the front & back doors and continued my art prepping.
A bit later, one of the dogs started to stare into a corner and bark for no logical reason. I got the same spooky feeling I used to have here years ago. As I looked suspiciously around the room, now decorated with various sports memorabilia, I saw a print I had never noticed before; a profile view portrait of a goalie in a horror movie style mask, his eye peeking out of the cut out hole, glaring right at me. Looking at him, I had a flashback to a friend’s birthday party in fifth grade where we all watched Scream. I had never seen a horror movie before and remember being absolutely terrified of the knife wielding masked murderer. I walked home from the party at dusk, trembling for the entire two blocks. I had never felt that kind of fear before and last night the same feeling surfaced.
We are so used to repressing our emotions and hiding our vulnerabilities that the default is to numb them with addictions and distractions. Yesterday I woke up feeling inexplicably uneasy, so what did I do? I baked and cooked and ate and cleaned and worked and made countless unnecessary Instagram story posts. I was avoiding my feelings. When we do this, the universe and our law of attraction finds other ways to trigger us. In my case, by scaring the shit out of me! I eventually clued in to the messages and asked myself, where is the fear really coming from? What am I not allowing myself to feel? I got my answer right away and began to cry. Release!
I have been afraid of working and starting this commissioned painting because when I complete it I will get paid. I have been using the excuse of not having any money as a reason to stay here because I am scared of leaving my comfort zone. It took a lot of guts and a giant leap of faith to quit my office job and leave Vancouver the first time (more on that in a future post). It was the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, but when telling that story to myself or publicly, I neglect to include the intense fear and doubt I felt leading up to leaping into the unknown. Which is the same thing I felt last night; terror. Our minds are sneaky and very good at rationalizing and convincing us out of what our hearts know is best for us. I know it is my purpose to create and when I am living in my true desire, good things happen. Incredible things (more on that later, too).
When I say ‘create’ I don’t just mean art - that includes inspiration and connection and all sorts of good stuff - and I’m not able to do that when I’m living in fear. Fear freezes us and prevents us from acting on our true desires; it has a paralytic effect. I had to acknowledge the feeling and actually feel it to be able to overcome it. This is an ongoing process and usually involves crying to move and clear that blocked energy. Because I was resisting it so intently, the universe had to keep turning up the volume until I got the message. Tonight I finished the prep for my commissioned painting and am finally ready to start, in the same room as that creepy picture of the menacing goalie. We're friends now. I’m sure I’ll address countless more blocks and triggers before my project is done and I eventually jet off to who knows where. My eyes and heart are open and I welcome all the lessons that facing and releasing past traumas will bring.
What are you most afraid of?
What distractions and addictions do you engage to avoid feeling fear?
What is your heart's true desire?
If you felt and released your fear, what could you achieve?
I'd love to hear from you below! We are all on this journey together, let's raise each other up.
With love & gratitude,